The World According to Jared Kleinman
by TinyBox
Summary: The thing is, Jared and Evan aren't friends. But there's something comforting knowing that there's someone who's even more of a loser than you are.
1. Something about Trees

So, here's the thing, right, it's not like I hate Hansen or anything like that, but...  
Look, Evan is a weird dude. Seriously weird. And I know that people are always saying to be yourself, but that only works if you have an interesting personality. Evan does not. He's just kind of an awkward person to be around. And that's one reason why we're not friends.

Look, part of me feels a bit bad for the guy, you know? I mean, he's so low down on the totem pole that most people don't even bothering bullying him or anything, that's how forgettable he is.  
Talking to the guy can be like having a conversation with a brick wall sometimes.  
A brick wall that occasionally says a few words and has a strange obsession with trees, of all things. Trees. It's like he's asking for people to beat him up. No, it's like he's walking up to people with a sign reading, "I am a huge dork." Honestly, he's lucky I don't rip on him more often.

But Evan came to school with a broken arm, said he fell out of a tree, which only proves that his obsession with trees is unhealthy, and if I were his actual friend maybe I would tried to actually help him instead of making snarky comments. Or something. Actually, even if we were friends I don't know if I would try and help him.

I know that it sounds bad, even in my head, that I wouldn't try and help someone out even if they were my friend, but seeing as it's all theoretical it doesn't really matter anyway.

But anyway, the first day of school wasn't awful or anything, except I almost got murdered by would-be school shooter Connor Murphy. As soon as I made that joke, I knew I shouldn't have. It's like a thousand and one warning sirens went off in my brain, and all I could think of was that I was going to be killed and then stuffed into a locker and no one would notice I was gone until my decomposing body began rotting away, and only my parents would go to my funeral even though I'm probably the coolest person in the entire school, and even Evan wouldn't show up that's how forgettable I would be.

...Wow that turned dark real fast. If I'm not careful I'll turn into one of those guys who always wears black, sits alone listening to depressing music from alternative bands no one's ever heard of, and complaining that the world doesn't understand me. Those dudes never get laid.

But anyway, I manage to escape without being brutally murdered, but that sort of set the tone for the rest of the day.

Anyway.

So I was standing near my locker, trying to open it, when suddenly Alana starts talking to me out of nowhere. Alana is one of those people that I usually try to avoid at all cost. At least with Hansen, he doesn't talk too much, but Alana can go on forever just talking _at_ you about, I don't know, volunteering for the Save the Baby Sharks Foundation or whatever, and how she signed up for some extra extra extra credit class and-

Ugh. Being around that much enthusiasm is exhausting. Alana is the kind of student that teachers love but everyone else hates for doing way beyond the call of duty and making the rest of us look bad in comparison. I don't know if anyone bullies her, maybe girl bullies are different or something? Or maybe even bullies find her too annoying to be around, I don't know.

Do people actually find her tolerable?

It felt like hours before I finally managed to open my locker, and then I realized that I had no idea why I had needed anything in my locker to begin with. So that was a waste of time.

Even though it was the first day back, every single teacher assigned us homework. Right now my social studies assignment is somewhere in my backpack, and I should get a start on it, along with a million other things. But now I'm thinking that if I actually do good on these assignments, my teachers will have unrealistic higher standards for me, and I won't be able to keep up with it, revealing myself as a fraud.

Why do I keep thinking like this?

Actually, I take back what I said earlier, the first day of school sucked.


	2. How to Lie: For Dummies

Lying is way easier than TV shows or movies would have you believe. Most of the time, the best lies involve very little talking on your end. When lying, I think the first thing to do is don't add too many unnecessary details, because that's more things to remember. All you really need to do is start someone down the path of assumptions that you want followed. Make them come up with the conclusion, and technically, you haven't even lied.

Technicalities are a beautiful thing sometimes.

And sure, maybe lying isn't exactly the moral or respectable thing to do, but it's not like everyone else goes around being honest all the time either. Society would probably crumble if people went around saying what they really felt all the time. Probably.

A couple hours ago, Evan messaged me online, which at first was kind of surprising. Then I realized it's Hansen and he has no real friends, so he probably considers me still a friend despite the fact that I told him we're not.

(On a side note, maybe that's kind of an asshole thing to say to someone, but the world can be a dark and cruel place sometimes anyway.)

Apparently, Evan's sex letter to himself (he denied it being a sex letter, but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me), ended up in the hands of Connor Murphy, who wasn't exactly thrilled at the fact that Evan had written about his sister Zoe. While Evan didn't say what he wrote, I can only assume he wrote paragraphs detailing the various ways he wanted to do Zoe Murphy in a tree house. Honestly, I didn't think Evan had it in him.

So Evan was freaking out about the fact that Connor might give the letter to Zoe, and that if she read it she would never talk to him again. Now that I think about it, what does he mean by _again_? I'm pretty sure someone like Zoe would never talk to someone like Evan in a million billion years. Unless he's desperate enough to think that her asking for a spare pencil or something counts as a conversation.

But Zoe Murphy would never go out with Evan Hansen, even if he paid her, because I think her family's rich anyways. She wouldn't even friendzone him, because she would never even be his friend in the first place.

So really, Evan has nothing to worry about, but try telling him that.


End file.
